One evening, Sarah was sitting on the couch with her 7-year-old daughter, Emma, while her 4-year-old daughter, Lily, who has Down syndrome, played nearby. Out of nowhere, Emma blurted out, “I wish I had a normal sister.”
Sarah froze for a moment. She hadn’t expected this, but she also knew it was important to respond thoughtfully. She took a deep breath, reminded herself that Emma was still learning about the world, and gently said, “Let’s talk about that. I want to understand why you feel this way.”
Emma hesitated, then mumbled, “It’s just… Lily doesn’t play the same games I like, and she doesn’t always understand me. It’s not fun sometimes.”
Sarah nodded, validating her feelings. “It’s okay to feel frustrated, Emma. Being a big sister can be hard, and having a sister who learns differently can sometimes feel extra tricky. But let’s think about what makes Lily special, too.”
Emma thought for a moment. “She gives the best hugs,” she said quietly.
“That’s true,” Sarah smiled. “And you know what? Everyone is different. Lily has Down syndrome, which means she learns differently and does some things in her own way. But just because she’s different doesn’t mean she’s not amazing. And you are amazing for being her sister.”
They talked about how Lily loved Emma deeply, even if she couldn’t always say it. Sarah explained that saying Lily wasn’t “normal” could hurt feelings because it made it seem like being different wasn’t okay. She shared how everyone, including Emma, had things that made them unique and special.
This may have not been a conversation you have had with your child, but it may come up and we want to give you the tips and educational tips to navigating something similar.
Tips for Navigating This Situation
Stay Calm and Open: Your child’s statement may sting, but remember they are trying to make sense of their feelings. Avoid anger or dismissal and engage them in a calm conversation.
Be Curious: Ask questions before replying. Instead of judging or labeling what your child is feeling as “wrong” or “bad,” become curious about where that feeling is coming from. This also signals to your child that all thoughts and feelings are safe to share here and you value what they are feeling.
Acknowledge Their Emotions: Validate their feelings without condoning the language they use. “I hear you’re feeling frustrated, and it’s okay to talk about that.”
Explain Differences Positively and Concretely: Use age-appropriate language to explain what makes their sibling unique and why those differences are not only okay but valuable. Compare differences to other concrete things they already understand like how people have different colored eyes or different hair styles, and just like these differences, it makes every person unique and special.
Reframe Hurtful Language: Help them understand why certain words or phrases can be unkind and offer more inclusive ways to express themselves. Using “I wonder…” statements is a powerful way to help your child come up with new language on their own. For example, “I wonder what Emma would think if she heard someone say she is not normal?” or “I wonder what you could say differently to make Emma feel included and special for her differences instead?”
Celebrate Their Sibling Relationship: Point out the joys and strengths in their sibling bond, even if those moments are small.
Encourage Empathy: Share stories, read books, or watch shows that celebrate diversity and sibling relationships.
Revisit the Conversation: This won’t be a one-time talk. Continue to encourage questions and feelings, helping them grow in understanding and compassion. Praise and thank your child for coming to you and sharing how they feel.
With time, patience, and honest communication, your child can learn to embrace their sibling’s uniqueness and feel proud of their role in their family.
If you or your family need further support, Hearts Connected provides sibling support and parent education support to families dealing with various acute, chronic, or developmental diagnoses. Therapeutic sessions are available 7 days a week and there is no waiting list. To learn more, go to www.heartsconnected.org/services.
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